Hello there,
A little about me, I have a Bscience with majors in Anatomy and Physiology.
I played around with utilizing my first nootropic in the final year of my undergrad, namely with Modafanil. First stumbling upon the field with the help of podcasts from JR and Dave asprey. I then started to optimize my health through fitness and diet, in co-operation with certain psychostimulants such as caffeine.
Modafanil sent me into my first state of mania that led me to obtain professional help. Although I would usually loose sleep during the exam period, the use of modafanil at 25-50mg doses led me to go without sleep for a period of 2 weeks. At which point I was beginning to experience extreme "enhancement" to colours and patterns. Almost LSD like. I know this was stupid at the time to continue dosing modafanil, but I was not aware that I was experiencing symptoms of mania, and that the lack of sleep only served to provoke the symptoms. I did not experience any auditory hallucinations, but I did experience some extreme loss of self-control, coupled with a sense of false confidence. I amazingly got through 4 exams and obtained a D in all 4 with little to no sleep, and some study.
I felt like I was receiving information from a higher realm and that study was meaningless as the entities had far greater information they could provide to me than mere textbooks. I could feel that I was connected to this ethereal universal consciousness, without hearing voices or seeing any visuals. I just knew that my synapses were being overcharged with information from elsewhere. Now reflecting back on this event, it could just be my subconscious leaking information from lectures that I attended. But some of this shit I saw had nothing to do with the subjects in which I had studied. I recall visualizing pyramids being erected before me (with the acknowledgement that these were just my thoughts and not actually present). I recall being reincarnated into a bird, flying over the cityscapes and contemplating what humans have done to the environment. The Anthropocene era.
Retrospectively, this was a time in my life where I was so confused, yet so clear... It was extremely uncomfortable yet enjoyable at the same time.
I was too focused to be focused, often times staring off at walls, ruminating that I was going insane. No one seemed to understand me. It was really painful.
It has been 1 year since that episode, and I have not touched modafanil since. I have dabbled in most racetams and nutriceuticals in an attempt to revisit that manic state without the loss of sleep and the severe emptyness of not being able to be understood by people.
Now I am concerned about my mental health as I feel like my memory ironically is being fucked with. Sometimes I forget why I am here on Earth, and if there is a reason at all. But then I remember the state I had earlier this year, and that there is something beyond the physical. I support dualism, and I value the work of Rupert Sheldrake. There is a universal consciousness, and I believe that information is stored elsewhere aside from the physical realm. And that the purpose of my life is to obtain as much information as possible, synthesize them into a useful manner without offending other humans.
But alas, I fear this is just some cognitive delusion. I feel like I can no longer obtain information in the normal means. It feels off. Like I read a book and it doesn't feel like I'm reading it. Given that I can recall information from it, it just doesn't feel the same.... It's hard to describe. It's as if the information is going into my brain, and then being sent off into interstellar space. Stolen by the entities which have woken prior.
Anyways, I plan on playing around with extreme states of meditation (heat+tdcs+chemical launchpad) in an attempt to speak to these entities to obtain my prior self-back, but without losing my connection to these fuckers. I do respect them. But I also fear and hate them for so drastically changing my physical form that is the brain. Although I am a dualist by nature, I do value materialistic value, and I believe that my brain architecture has been rewired by what my psychologist suspects I have (bipolar type 2). Although it is often seen as a negative, I believe there are some benefits to this condition.
I don't use any nootropics as of yet under the counsel of professionals. Although I do play around with intense meditation:
Heat meditation + audiovisual stimulation
https://www.youtube....h?v=eGGR2RbOgmY - Made during a "manic" phase, sorry if it doesn't make any sense.
Actual Mri scan of my brain; no neuroanatomical abnormalities.
https://www.youtube....h?v=KgkQb9pd1Oo - Made during a "depressive" phase. Still doesn't make any fucking sense.
^ It makes sense to me though, just explaining it is difficult.
P.S please subscribe if your interested in this humans attempt to explore the mental realms. I may not be able to craft words after my next "experiments", but in video format I may be still able to commune with others.
-edited to add paragraph spacing
Edited by Pallas, 20 December 2015 - 12:39 AM.
